The surrogacy journey is filled with emotional highs and lows—and anxiety is a completely normal response. In this blog, we continue from our previous post on how to manage anxiety with ACT by introducing more strategies from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). These tools can help you relate differently to your emotions and live in alignment with your values, even during times of uncertainty.
If you haven’t read the first part, we recommend starting there. It lays the groundwork for understanding how ACT can help intended parents move forward without being ruled by anxious thoughts.
One of the core techniques in ACT is mindfulness—the ability to connect with the present moment without judgment. Renowned ACT therapist Russ Harris defines mindfulness as “paying attention with flexibility, openness, and curiosity.”
In the context of surrogacy anxiety, mindfulness might look like this:
You just got off the phone with a college friend who shared unexpected pregnancy news. Your stomach is tight, your hands feel clammy, and tears are close to the surface. Instead of pushing those feelings away or criticizing yourself, you pause, breathe, and say:
“Wow, that brought up a lot. I’m noticing a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach. There’s sadness, some jealousy, maybe even guilt. I feel happy for her, but also scared and overwhelmed about our own upcoming embryo transfer.”
This mindful, compassionate approach helps you become an observer of your emotional experience—without being consumed by it.
Contrast that with a reaction filled with self-judgment and avoidance:
Both examples involve the same emotional triggers, but the second response intensifies suffering through judgment and struggle. This is what ACT refers to as flipping the “struggle switch”—a concept from the previous blog. The key takeaway? Fighting your anxiety usually magnifies it. Instead, acceptance and mindfulness help you stay grounded and in control.
Another common ACT concept is the rigid self-concept—labeling yourself as “an anxious person” or “a bad friend.” This mental fusion with identity can trap you in unhelpful patterns.
Try this cognitive defusion exercise adapted from Russ Harris:
Write five positive self-descriptors on one side of a card (e.g., “kind,” “resilient”).
Write five negative self-descriptors on the other (e.g., “worried,” “impatient”).
Several times a day, read both sides and say, “I’m having the thought that I am [descriptor].”
This helps create distance from your thoughts so you can shift into an observer mindset—where anxiety is something you experience, not something that defines you.
Perhaps the most empowering way to move through anxiety is to reconnect with your core values—the principles that guide how you want to live and who you want to be, regardless of circumstances. First, watch this video on the difference between goals and values, from Dr. Russ Harris. There are numerous ways to get in touch with your values, the characteristics that inform who you want to be and how you want to live your life.
Try this values visualization:
Imagine your 80th birthday party. Loved ones gather to celebrate your life and share how you’ve impacted them. What do they say? What qualities or values do they highlight—kindness, courage, persistence, generosity?
This exercise can help you clarify what matters most. You may not control how or when your family grows, but you can choose to act in ways that align with your values.
If you want to explore your values further, Harris has a range of worksheets and exercises available in the free handouts that accompany his book “The Happiness Trap”. Check out the Life Compass exercise in this PDF available online. Identifying your values allows you to have a more meaningful life, even when you encounter barriers to your goals, you can still be living your values. There may be pain and joy along the journey, but it’s a much more fulfilling marathon you are running, if you can embody your values while you make it.
Anxiety may never disappear completely during your surrogacy journey—but it doesn’t have to take over your life. With ACT-based tools like mindfulness, defusion, and values clarification, you can respond to anxiety with compassion and stay committed to what matters most.
You deserve to live a meaningful, values-driven life—even while navigating the uncertainty of infertility and surrogacy. And the more you practice these techniques, the more resilient and grounded you’ll feel.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice or therapy. Reading this blog does not establish a therapist-client relationship with the author, who is a licensed psychologist. If you are experiencing distress or seeking mental health support, please contact a qualified mental health professional in your area.
Dr. Diederich at Sweet Springs Consultation and Assessment, can help you navigate through the steps of third-party production. She conducts evaluations of gestational carriers, provides consultations for intended parents, facilitates joint meetings, and runs monthly support groups for parents. Whether you are in Pennsylvania, New York, Hawaii or in one of the other PsyPact states that Dr. Diederich can practice in virtually, she can help you along your journey.
