A generation ago, the few surrogacy stories you heard were kept quiet, because the process was not well defined legally. Today, carrying someone else’s baby is far more common. In most states, it is fully legal for a woman to serve as a gestational carrier and give birth to a child she has no genetic connection to.
Several things have worked together to turn carrying someone else’s baby from a rarity into something families now consider openly:
So what about the women who become surrogates? Most surrogacy contracts do include compensation, but that is usually far down the list of reasons women choose to carry. We spoke with four women who decided that having a baby for someone else was the right thing to do. Their names have been changed to protect their privacy.
Carrying a baby for someone else is a personal and emotional relationship, and a legal one too, with confidentiality agreements signed on both sides. That is why many of these stories use pseudonyms and leave out the specific locations of the surrogates and intended parents. Here are their four stories, in the same question-and-answer format as the original interviews.
Question: So, what was your initial impulse to do this? What made you say to yourself, “I want to be a surrogate“?
Nancy: It wasn’t an overnight decision for me because I had been thinking about it for a few years, ever since I had my own three children. All those births were super-easy and uncomplicated. My husband and I just thought, “You know what, now that our family is complete, why don’t we help someone else who wants children but can’t have them for whatever reason?”
Question: Did you know how to get started with the process, know how to contact an agency?
Nancy: Are you kidding? This was several years ago, when surrogacy wasn’t as well known as it is today. The few surrogate situations I had heard about were private contracts between couples and a surrogate. So, based on the fact that I basically knew nothing about the process, believe it or not I went online and looked at sites that listed work from home jobs for moms. Basically Craigslist.
Question: So, what did you do after checking out Craigslist?
Nancy: Fortunately, I had an old friend from school who was a pediatric nurse and she told me about how the entire system was so organized, safe, and streamlined today. So I was glad to get connected with a surrogacy agency that had experience and solid credentials. They helped me find a single mother who really needed my help, who had zero chance of having children without a surrogate.
Question: What happened next?
Nancy: Well, after looking at the bios of about a dozen couples and single people who were looking for a surrogate, my husband and I chose a woman whose story really resonated with us. She is a very serious-minded woman who was a consultant and wanted to be a mom more than anything else. She made the decision, after two gone-bad relationships, that raising a child by herself was the way to go. So, she found a sperm donor, used her own eggs, and, as she says, was “two-thirds of the way through the process” of having her own child. The missing link was me.
Question: So you weren’t carrying a baby for another couple but for a single person. Did that make a difference in your mind, and emotionally, about the choice to carry a child to term for another person?
Nancy: Not really. I saw it as a chance to help someone who wanted to start a family. My husband and I could easily have chosen someone else, a couple, or whoever. But he and I were deciding together, and when we got to her bio, her story just instantly clicked for both of us. We looked at each other and said, “This is the one.”
Question: Do you think that having a baby for someone else is a universal emotion for most women?
Nancy: Not really. I think it’s a lot like the decision to get married or choose a particular career. Some people feel strongly about being a surrogate, but for others, there’s no impulse to do it.
Question: What advice would you give other women who have the thought, “I want to be a surrogate”?
Nancy: Do your homework. Let the idea sink in. Don’t make any impulsive decisions. Even though it’s safe and can change your life for the better, carrying someone else’s baby is a major decision. If you have a partner, be sure they’re okay with the idea because you’re going to need that support through the pregnancy.
Question: So, you told us already that this is your third time to be a surrogate. How did you first get interested in the idea?
Mia: My situation was that I had completed my own family and just loved being pregnant. So, my husband and I decided that surrogacy would be a wise option.
Question: What about the pregnancy itself? Any complications or second thoughts on your first surrogacy?
Mia: No. I viewed the whole thing as an adventure. Yeah, I had up and down days during the pregnancy, but knew what to expect. What I didn’t expect was to give birth to twins. When we learned it was going to be a twin birth, I was thrilled for my intended parents. In their eyes, this was like hitting the jackpot, to put it bluntly. Surrogacy is still pretty new, and most people don’t know much about it, except for a random article they’ve read online or seeing a wild news story. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, let me tell you.
Question: Like what?
Mia: Don’t get me started! (laughing) I’ve heard it all, all the crazy, uninformed questions. But I’m glad to answer them and dispel the myths and misinformation. So I answer any questions people ask me. By far, the most common one is, “Aren’t you sad when you have to ‘give up’ the baby after giving birth?” To that, I just say a flat, “No, I’m not. The emotional bond I feel most is with the intended parents. If you go into the situation with your head on right, you don’t have a deep emotional bond with the baby. Mostly, that’s because you have zero genetic connection with the child. It belongs to someone else. Someone is trusting me to grow and take care of their baby.” That’s how I answer that question, and, for sure, it’s the one I hear the most.
Question: What’s the other thing people ask you that makes you kind of wince when you hear it?
Mia: Probably this one. “Is surrogacy when you get paid for a baby?” That one really gets me going because I’ve known a lot of surrogates from social media and my community, and not one of them looked at the financial compensation as their main motivation to get involved with surrogacy. You know what? All surrogates undergo a thorough financial check, and if they’re not stable in that regard, then they are not considered suitable for the process. And that’s a good thing, because you don’t want people who are money-hungry to become surrogates.
Question: What was the most difficult part of the surrogacy for you? This was your first time, right?
Katherine: Yes, this past journey was my first, but it won’t be my last because it was such a positive experience. You asked what? “The most difficult part?” Well, even though I’m totally healthy and generally love being pregnant, I’m not a big fan of morning sickness, but that’s just part of the journey. You know, life’s ups and downs and all that stuff.
Question: Do you have a relationship with the couple now?
Katherine: Yes, we’ve stayed pretty close on social media and we get together for lunch. They happen to live nearby. I know some surrogates who never socialize with the intended parents, which is okay. Everybody has their own way of doing things, their own way of being comfortable with surrogacy. I and the parents happen to really love hanging out. We have the same sense of humor and interests, and we now share a deep bond that we both appreciate.
Question: When was the first time you ever heard about surrogate mothers?
Katherine: The first I think it was a Lifetime movie! Haha, but I had seen about it on socials. And then I went on some Facebook groups and learned some more. Those groups can be interesting. Everyone has their opinions. Strong opinions. But it was also good to ask people about which agencies they had good experiences with and which ones were sketchy.
Question: What was important to you when you were picking an agency to work with?
Katherine: I didn’t want it to seem like a weird sales pitch. I know that agencies are always looking for surrogates. So I had reached out to a few and one of them it was this guy who did my initial call. Totally creeped me out because he felt like a sales person. Another one took forever to get back to me, which I thought was kind of a red flag. And then the Surrogacy Center of Philadelphia got back to me really quick and I was able to have a real conversation with their intake manager. She answered a ton of questions I had. And it felt really good. She had been a surrogate herself a few times as well as a case manager. I don’t know – it was like talking to a real friend and someone who actually cared about me. I was like, “Yes! This feels right!”
Question: How did you choose the parents that you ended up working with?
Lakeisha: Well, the agency showed me several profiles of people they thought I would be interested in helping, based on what I had filled out on my own matching preferences. This couple the wife had battled cancer and she’s in remission. They did IVF before she started her treatment. She’s good now but their story really spoke to me.
Question: So, it was their personal story that compelled you to help carry their child?
Lakeisha: Yeah, I have family members who have battled cancer. The mom she’s just so strong and I was like this warrior queen needs to have the baby of her dreams! They were just so grateful and amazing as parents.
Question: Do you think you’ll be a surrogate again?
Lakeisha: I’m not sure. For me, it’s all about timing, feeling like I want to carry a child, and finding just the right situation where I think I can truly help someone who wants a family. Maybe in a year or two I’ll give it another go. I’m going to school right now and it’s a lot to juggle.
Question: What would you say to women, single or married, who are considering carrying a baby for someone else?
Lakeisha: First things first. Get informed. Find out how the process works. Speak with someone at an agency and learn about the mechanics of the process. That sort of makes it real for you, and you start to absorb the idea that, yes, there are lots of people out there who can’t start their own families and are willing to hire someone to carry a baby for them. It’s actually quite a beautiful, wonderful thing that there are agencies who can match those folks up with women who are willing to carry someone else’s baby.
Question: Any warnings?
Lakeisha: If you decide to move forward, work a respected agency that has experience doing matches and following through with the intended parents and the surrogates. The key thing to look at is whether the agency you work with takes good care of you. Not just matching you, but being there with answers, medical support connections, and whatever you need. Carrying someone else’s baby is a big responsibility, but it’s also a life-changing process. At least it was for me. You also have to have your own supports. My sister helped give me my shots. My auntie helped watch my daughter during appointments.
What comes through in all four of these stories is the same thing we see every day. These women carried someone else’s baby not for the money, but because they wanted to help a family come to be. Every journey looked a little different, and every one of them mattered.
If reading these stories has you wondering whether surrogacy might be right for you, we would be glad to talk. Learn more about becoming a surrogate with our Philadelphia team, or reach out with any questions. No pressure, just honest answers.
